Your Penis/Vagina Does Not Change Who I Am

Lunchtime, the school playground, age 8: “Are you a virgin?” they ask. “No!” I blurt out, puzzled, and embarrassed to admit that I don’t understand what they’re asking. They burst into laughter.

1am, sleepover with friends, age 16: “Never have I ever had sex with a man…” she teases. Nervous giggles and impressed gasps of "with who?!" follow as everybody confesses whether they have or haven’t slept with somebody. “What about you?” she asks me. I blush. “No, I’m a virgin”, I say a little embarrassed.

From peers joking about virginity, and sex education lessons which warn you against ‘losing it’, to coming of age films which depict girls transforming after first having penetrative sex: growing up, the narrative that sex will change who you are is inescapable. Though these experiences may appear insignificant and harmless, they sow the seed for dangerous assumptions, stereotypes and judgements surrounding sexual practice. Not only does inflating the salience of having sex pressure people into it before they are ready and create the assumption that it makes you more mature, and desirable; it also facilitates the shaming of women either as ‘sluts’ if they are sexually active, or as ‘frigid’, boring, and childish if they are not. This traps us in a contradictory cycle of degradations.

As a woman growing up with Vaginismus - a curable condition where, when penetrated, the vagina muscles tighten causing pain - for me, the shame tied to virginity, and the ties between sex and penetration was overwhelmingly alienating. I was made to feel inadequate, broken and anxious that people I was dating would lose interest upon learning about my Vaginismus. Lack of representation of non-penetrative sex in the media, and heteronormative and ableist sex education lessons in school which focused entirely on reproduction over pleasure, exacerbated these feelings. With hindsight, I see that since my purpose is not to have sex and reproduce, how could not having penetrative sex ever make me broken? The notion of sex being formative is untrue and ultimately ridiculous. Virginity is a shallow social construct, invented by humans to lock us in boxes. It is not real. Do you really think my sense of self is so fragile that it can be upturned by your penis/vagina? 

70-90% of women cannot reach orgasm from penetration alone. Hence, penetration-focused portrayals of sex in schools, media, and arts are not only ableist and homophobic, they also promote less pleasurable sex. In school, the typical focus on biology and reproduction, rather than pleasure in sex education is particularly rife and damaging. Growing up, I was never taught about non-penetrative forms of sex. It wasn’t until adulthood that I realised other forms of physical intimacy are still ‘real’ sex, or that you can individually define ‘sex’ however you want to. Sex education often only represents heterosexual, able-bodied couples and omits discussion on sexuality, (especially female) masturbation, non-penetrative sex, and conditions which can make sex painful like vaginismus, endometriosis, vulvodynia, and erectile dysfunction. It was through the popular Netflix show Sex Education that I first came to understand vaginismus.

Teachers also commonly feeds the myth that a woman’s hymen breaks after first having sex, a harmful fiction which suggests the body and self are changed by sex. This can increase stigma and bullying surrounding sexuality and disability, leaving individuals feeling unseen and ashamed. As a socially constructed concept, virginity provides a foundation for sexist rhetoric. For as long as ‘virginity’ retains its social significance, people, particularly women, cannot escape being judged against the contradictory labels ‘frigid’ and ‘slutty’. These degradations can pressure people into having sex before they are ready and invalidate them, whatever they choose to do with their body.

Upon speaking with others, I have realised how widespread, multifaceted, and unspoken this issue is. One anonymous interviewee stated how the “complete lack of education about queer sex” mingled with “pressure to lose virginity at 16” can be “quite terrifying”, particularly as the media presents queer sex as “mysterious” and “different from ‘normal sex’”. Another addressed how it can be a “challenge” to “fit in with certain groups” as a straight male who believes in abstinence, as many hold a “social standard that you haven’t reached ‘true masculinity’ until you have had sex”. Virginity creates a shameful game that is impossible to win. People of marginalised identities and those experiencing painful sexual conditions are dealt a particularly bad hand.

Though it should not fall to television to provide accurate information on sex to young people, progressive shows like Sex Education, Never Have I Ever and Easy are leading the way for diverse representation of sex. More popular media sources should portray non-penetrative sex, realistic pleasure, disability, and LGBTQ people, rather than feeding the myth that a woman will transform into a beautiful young adult after ‘losing her virginity’. Sex education lessons should balance their focus between reproduction and pleasure by teaching beyond penetrative sex and heterosexuality. Sexpression, a student-led volunteering organisation in the UK, shows how this can be achieved. They offer informal and relaxed sex education in schools, promoting empowerment, respect and safety.

Written by Victoria Wilson

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