“You’ll do”: My Compromising Stops Now
Have you ever been offered something and without really thinking you just think/say “you’ll do”? I think most of us have.
There comes a time when we feel we’ve tolerated and compromised for enough bullshit. Headache jobs, ridiculous internships, sometime-ish friends and mediocre dating partners. It takes a certain amount of toleration before we each realise we no longer have to make do. Personally, this “you’ll do” approach has always been something to grind my gears because I’ve always been someone who knows exactly what she wants. However, when we go through periods of low self-esteem or high self-doubt we tend to compromise. Sometimes, it may simply be because we feel pressure from other aspects within our lives such as peers settling down, family members asking what our plans are or even celebrities or influencers settling for less than they deserve.
Whether you have attended university, college or went straight to work from school, it is almost certain at some point there has been pressure pushed upon you when it comes to your career. It is hard as we can be in this battle of wanting to please everyone but also wanting to be selfish. The misunderstanding around the word “selfish” can be the reason we compromise and say “you’ll do” when job opportunities, promotions, internships or potential work appear. To me, part of my personal professional development is to remember being selfish can be a good thing, it doesn’t have to be seen as malicious. Being selfish is about thinking for yourself as an individual and asking yourself is this job suited to me? Will there be bigger and better opportunities? Shouldn’t this internship be paid if I am expected to work so many hours and use my skills for someone else’s gain? All questions like these are allowed to be pondered as your time is as valuable as the next person and sometimes it is okay to say no.
It is understandable if you are under financial pressure and the opportunity is your only hope but when possible, always remember you have skills that are worthy of a respectable salary and there will always be someone out there who will pay the right amount to have your skillset onboard. Remember to barter, be firm about your finances and your payment, you have every right. Settling should not be an option with finances, you should be flexible, yes, but also don’t undersell yourself.
Relationships & Dating:
I think it’s safe to say we all have one in mind person when we mention relationship compromises. I feel this can potentially be the most harmful thing for us to say “you’ll do” to. A romantic relationship is held very high on a lot of our priority lists. Social media delivers endless content showing #relationshipgoals, films and TV contain every type of desirable relationship and pressure from peers in seemingly ideal connections with their partners, it is hard to escape romance. For me, this has made me lose sight of what I truly deserve in a relationship at times and even affected initial dating. It is so easy to slip into a state of FOMO and settle for any odd person when you’re in a rush to join the crowd but actually this isn’t going to benefit you in the long run. I have found that writing a list of all the things you deserve from a partner and what you also bring to the table because this could help you cut through the time-wasting conversations, dates, and online profiles. For example, I would ideally want to have a partner who is incredibly close to and respecting of his family as this is how I am towards my family. I deserve someone who is attentive when it comes to family, as I would always make the effort to be so with theirs. As well as this I deserve someone who appreciates how hard I work and has no shame in supporting me in any situation, as this is what I would do for anyone I care about plus I do work bloody well hard so, like I keep saying, I DESERVE it. The list could be expectations of how someone greets you, the ability for them to comfort you adequately, having emotional availability – not just materialistic factors such as them having a car, buying you gifts etc. because all of that is only surface level and won’t always make you truly fulfilled and happy in the long run.
Being single is not a bad thing, I always feel so much more free with time management if I don’t have to fit someone in when I’m going through a particularly stressful time with work, studies or other personal issues. The only person that should fit into all of that and be there for you is not necessarily someone you’d rush into things with and compromise yourself for. The right person, who deserves you and vice versa, will come along when they are meant to and so there’s no need for you to feel the need to involve yourself with people for the sake of it unless they’re just a bit of fun. I know so many women who settle for less than they deserve and it’s sad so many of us go through this and it results in us being hurt or taken advantage of. Maybe there aren’t enough positive images of single women out there to help us see we don’t have to gap fill with less deserving candidates but either way, we should all feel aware of our worth and act on that.
This is very similar to all I just said in relation to romantic relationships. Friendships are there for different reasons and it’s okay to know there are different friends for different reasons. For example, I know the friends I can talk to about any worries I have regarding career, family or health and there are friends I know I have a great time with on a night out or on spontaneous trips. This is no shade to anyone but this is something that helps me eliminate compromises. One thing I have learned with moving away from my hometown and going through university is that not all friends are for everything. We all deserve friends who we have a laugh with, confide in, ask for advice and make amazing memories with but sometimes these qualities cannot be found in one person. This doesn’t mean someone is inadequate, it just means you know there are certain friends who you go to in regards to particular topics. Through the past few years I have found the close friends I can do most of these things to/with have decreased and I’m okay with that. By identifying who is more substantial for us as individuals and where the friendship is a two-way street, we are helping ourselves and realising what our worth is. None of this “you’ll do” attitude is healthy when considering friends because these are usually the people that see us through the hardest and best times of our lives and all of those moments of precious – they aren’t for everyone. So that friend who only ever wants to have a good time and never talks real talk with you, make sure you don’t go to them expecting this because you’ll be disappointed. Instead, identify those who will be there for you in the ways you deserve and focus more on them. The others are still friends but categorising friends in your head can ensure you aren’t putting yourself in any situations that will leave you treated any less than you deserve. And, if you find friends aren’t giving effort adequately or acting appropriately anyway then I guess you know the drill with what I’m saying by now. Let it go. You deserve more.
It goes without saying we can all be guilty of settling and saying “you’ll do.” However, at LAPP, we truly believe in claiming everything you are rightfully deserving of – this does not come without patience, pondering and lots of hard work but in time you should see that there is no harm in being aware. Know your worth and remember “you’ll do” will not suffice.
Written by Jessamy Mattinson