education · Feminism · Life story · Perspectives ·Dec 18, 2016

How Gender Inequality is Ingrained In Nigeria

I’m sure you’ve all heard the term “Daddy’s Girl”, website you know, that “Princess” who was spoilt by her Dad and can have anything she wants. Some women who are fortunate enough to have a special relationship with their Dad wear that title as a badge, proudly.

But some women are not as fortunate. And that’s fine, because just like anything, there is nothing us women can’t turn around, once we recognise, accept and want to change a matter, we absolutely can and will!

It is commonly said a woman has “daddy issues” when her behaviour or mind set indicates that her father was either absent in her life completely, or physically present but emotionally unavailable. These issues can affect a young girl going into womanhood, especially if she’s trying to compensate for the attention she may not have received from her Dad in her relationships.

While a woman may seem to have it all together at first glance, there are certain characteristics women with daddy issues are said to display, and if you’re not sure, the following I have personally experienced may be a few of the signs you might recognise in yourself.

*Disclaimer. Although I have studied Psychology at a Degree Level, I am by no means a DR, Psychologist or know it all. These are things I have personally experienced, and after many years of trying to understand certain things and reading/researching this I have come to the following conclusions about my own behaviour, matched with my upbringing and relationships with men, including my Dad.

1. Dating Older Men Some women who lacked a Dad growing up may find themselves solely attracted to older men. These older men then become the “father-figure” in their lives rather than a boyfriend, as crazy as that sounds, an older man seems to ‘have it together’. I have personally found myself wanting a man to care of me to feel a sense of security, which I lacked from my own Dad growing up.

2. Jealous and/or Overly Protective No matter the reason, growing up without your Dad is a sense of abandonment. In dating situations, you may be a bit jealous, clingy and overly protective of your partner because fearing him just leaving. Thinking a man is capable of leaving may make you hold on to him that much harder, even when the relationship isn’t a healthy one. This is a point I want to stress on! If you find yourself in a situation like this, just remember the gap you are trying to fill in yourself with another person will always be there. Take time to figure out how you can work on those gaps without a man, seek support if you need to, speak to someone. But most importantly remember once you become aware of this you can begin to try to understand it and turn those feelings into healthy feelings.

3. Needing Constant Reassurance of Love/Affection Even if a woman’s Dad was physically present, it’s possible to still feel unloved growing up. Even if the man in your life shows or tells you how much he loves you, it may never be enough due to these issues which run deep.I used to feel like my man should shout to the whole world how much he loves me, EVERY SINGLE DAY. And if he did, it probably wouldn’t be enough. Crazy I know lol.

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4. Sex, yeah that thing! Most Dads teach their daughters to ‘respect themselves and their bodies’, funny enough I feel women who can find themselves relating with these issues tend to find themselves with men who have similar views in regards to sex, the way a woman dresses etc, all in all sex can be a grey area for women with ‘daddy issues’. People often label women as ‘sluts’ or ‘giving it up’ down to ‘daddy issues’ but we won’t even go into that lol all I will say is that men will continue to try and shame women for an act they participate in… yeah that logic..let’s move on.

5. Serial Dater/Monogamist Sometimes you will find yourself just wanting to be in a relationship and not assessing the person and if they are right for you. You should take the time to get know YOU, therefore recognising a pattern so that you can ultimately break it. I found myself in a very long relationship due to security and assurance someone was there. But it was one of the best experiences of my life, it taught me how amazing I was as a woman, and it wasn’t the man that taught me this. It was the process of getting to know myself once I removed myself from that relationship and realised the gaps I was filling with this man were mine to work on and having done that I have never been more comfortable with my complexities.

It’s okay to be without a man. It’s important to learn to accept the past and forgive in order to move on with your life. There ARE men out there who are NOT like a father figure who did not fulfil his duties, and once you learn to love herself, you will never ever have to lower your standards or ask yourself if you are ‘worthy of a good man’ because of someone else’s absence and wrong doings.

But until then, it’s okay to be single and bad AF in everything you do!

Written by Payzee Mahmood

I’m sure you’ve all heard the term “Daddy’s Girl”, tadalafil you know, store that “Princess” who was spoilt by her Dad and can have anything she wants. Some women who are fortunate enough to have a special relationship with their Dad wear that title as a badge, proudly.

daddyissuess

But until then, it’s okay to be single and bad AF in everything you do!

Written by Payzee Mahmood

One thing I feel the need to point out about Nigeria, buy is that it’s a very superstitious country. It isn’t uncommon to hear someone say, “my ship will never sink in Jesus’ name,” in response to someone saying “whatever sinks your ship” after an argument. Growing up in Nigeria you’re bound to mix with different people, as Nigeria is a country that can boast of having over five hundred ethnic groups, but you should know the three major groups are Hausa, Igbo and Yoruba; I’m Igbo and the “women are lesser than males” ideology, is implanted in boys at a very tender age through several different traditions.

Academic oppression
My primary school examinations had been completed the week before, the results were shared and it was time for the end of the year party. I sat amongst friends and acquaintances when I noticed one of my class mates had a bandage around his head, we all thought he had an accident but decided to ask him anyway, and he said his Mother hit him because of his class position- I was shocked, “but you took the third position out of 43 students” I said. “No that’s not it, she was angry I let girls beat me to the first and second position”. “That’s discrimination,” someone from the group said. We were all 8 years old. It wasn’t his father that hit him, it was his mother, a woman instilling this barbaric belief of the male superiority complex over the female.

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Tradition
There is this belief in my hometown that when a married woman sleeps with a man outside her marriage, she will either “run mad or die.” Last year a lady I used to know died, and when I asked why and how, I was told the Gods of our land struck her dead. Apparently the lady in question (RIP) committed adultery and got pregnant by the man, and you know the annoying thing? The man she committed the adultery with is still alive and well, so I decided to ask my grandma why? She told me, it’s the tradition, that it was the male’s way of keeping the women in check, “clipping her wings” and controlling her. He could deny her the satisfaction of sex for years while sleeping with other women, but literally God forbid if that woman seeks sexual satisfaction elsewhere. I have an uncle who is so promiscuous, he would have been either dead or mad were he born a woman, but the tradition doesn’t effect men in that way.

In The Workplace
In the business sector, especially finance, it will either shock or disgust you that some banks only employ female workers to seduce or attract high net worth business moguls. In other words, they aren’t employed according to their qualifications but according to their looks, because they’re only viewed as marketing tools.

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Chimamanda Adichie, a Nigerian born American based writer/ activist, has been speaking out against gender inequality and making valid points on why we should all be feminists, and why women should be allowed to play significant roles in the shaping of their community. This has caused an uproar, particularly amongst men, as they believe allowing women to be equal to them would not only be disgraceful, it would kill chivalry and cost the world humanity, as being independent would be the ultimate goal for both sexes. More importantly, equality would give the females authority in their home, as they had been led to believe a woman’s highest aspiration in life is to become a “wife” and have a man lording over her.

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In 2013, Nigerian senators tried issuing a child marriage bill, after Senator Yerima divorced his 17 year old wife, to marry a 14 year old girl from Egypt, he paid $100K as her bride pass. This irrational action sparked the #ChildNotBride movement and gained foreign support from many countries.
In Nigeria, especially the northern parts which is mostly dominated by the Muslim Hausas, about 45% of girls are married off before their 18th birthday, and 26% before their 15th birthday. In Kebbi state in Nigeria, the average age for a girl to become a wife is 11 years old.

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The prevalence of depriving girls education, is so that the family can obtain money through her bride price. This has garnered a lot of support mostly from terrorist groups such as Boko Haram, meaning “education is a sin.” This group went ahead to destroy schools in many states and over 600+ lives have been lost to this group. In 2013 they invaded Chibok, not only destroyed the school but also made away with over 270 girls, this too sparked one of the biggest movements of “Girl Child Education” hash tagged, #BringBackOurGirls. So far about 196 of the girls are still missing, while the Chibok kidnapping got a lot of foreign attention.

Some families are beginning to see the importance of educating their daughters in the eastern and western states, but the northern parts are still struggling, perhaps owing to their belief of the female inferiority. Feminism has opened the eyes of so many, but there is still a long way to go especially, in the northern Nigeria.

Written by Naya Donald

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